“300 Questions LDS Couples Should Ask Before Marriage”

Are you unsure what questions you should be asking about yourself and your future spouse?  Do you believe that love isn’t the only important attribute that makes a marriage work?  Are you willing to ask, and to be asked tough questions to ensure your compatibility?  Do you remember Elder Oaks’ counsel from his April 2007 General Conference address in which he admonished LDS Singles comtemplating marriage to “inquiry well” and want to comply with that counsel?  Then, “300 Questions LDS Couples Should Ask Before Marriage” by Shannon Alder is the book for you.  In this book, Sister Alder provides the key questions to assess the most important characteristics necessary to make your future marriage successful: Character, Capability and Capacity.

In the opening pages of the book, Sister Alder is quick caution the reader about our expectations of others. “This book is not a list of questions that suggest perfection is required. There are not right or wrong answers. No question can be asked that you are not willing to ask yourself.” (An echo of Elder Oaks’ counsel)

And ask yourself these questions you should.  In fact the value of this book is greatly increased if you view it as a way to assess your personal readiness for marriage.  The questions will help any LDS Single more clearly define the character traits they need/want to develop more fully and which traits are important to them in a potential spouse.

Here is a short summary of the categories of questions that Sister Alred suggests that we ask:

Spiritual Questions
Inquiring about temple worthiness, Sabbath observance, Word of Wisdom observance (Caffeine-free Diet Coke anyone? No! That’s not one of the questions she suggests), movie watching habits and how you seek to include the spirit in your life.

Family Questions
The questions in this section explore how you feel about being a parent, your relationships with your parents, siblings and extended family.  You compare and discuss discipline philosophies, expectations of parental roles and responsibilities.  For those who’ve been previously married this section explores the relationship issues with the former spouse.  (Because like it or not, if there are children involved, there has to be a relationship.)

Finance Questions
In this section you explore your budgeting philosophy, spending/saving habits, earning potential, career ambition and how money decisions will be made in the marriage.  The questions in this section also allow you to discuss current debts and again, for the previously married, support obligations.

Expectation Questions
This section is actually pretty thought provoking.  The questions are designed to help you define what your marriage will look like in terms of what you plan to give to the marriage, how you define quality time together, what your relationship with extended family will be and how you express your love and affection for one another.  You need to listen to your partner as you ask and answer these questions.  There could be very different ideas of what you want married life to look like and the answers to these questions will bring that to light.

Relationship Questions
Here you discuss how you and your partner currently interact with you (yes, how you talk and relate to yourself is important in your relationship with others), each other, friends, and family.

Past History, Trust Questions
Are there unresolved issues from your past that could affect the quality of your relationship?  Are there resolved issues in your past that you need to divulge to your partner?  Are there past relationship issues that currently affect or may affect your relationship with each other.  This section contains questions to help you discuss those critical factors.

Character & Self Worth Questions
These questions are designed to help you assess what you bring to the marriage table and what your partner brings as well.  Here you discuss issues such as modesty, body image, and career choices.  You also continue the examination of your attitudes towards yourself and others.

Love, Intimacy and Communication Questions
These questions open the dialogue for defining your commitment level.  There are questions to help you evaluate how comfortable you are expressing emotions, feelings, hopes, dreams, and fears with each other.  There are questions that help you consider the current state of you relationship and why you are interested in this person as a potential spouse. And, why he/she has similar feelings towards you.  There are also some questions regarding marital intimacy and defining for your partner (and yourself) things that could happen or be said that would make you feel mistreated (even abused.)

I honestly wish that I would have had this book before my second marriage.  I think had we sat down, asked these questions and discussed our answers that our marriage would have turned out very differently indeed.  Admittedly, some of the questions are tough.  But marriage is not easy and asking the questions that Sister Alred lists would be a valuable experience to any couple contemplating marriage.  The questions are relevant, poignant and deeply needed.  Are you ready to explore yourself and your relationship? Then, pick up your copy of “300 Questions LDS Couples Should Ask Before Marriage” by Shannon L. Alder.

Remember: We’re LDS! We’re Single! And, we’re all in this together!

P.S.  After reading this book, I felt like I’d taken some of the realtionship readiness and compatibility studies that some of the online dating services offer.   To see which sites offer such compatibility surveys read my article 7 Online Dating Sites for LDS Singles.

“A Single Voice” by Kristen M. Oaks

 
“This is not simply a book about being single. It is a book about being alone and walking by faith. It is a book about discovery and developing inner strength and courage and deciding what we really cherish and believe. It is not about being discounted and discouraged.”
This is the opening paragraph of the preface to A Single Voice: The Unexpected Life is No Less A Life by Kristen M. Oaks (paperback, 294 pages). And she does a wonderful job of accomplishing that task and inspiring us to reach for the best that is in us as we seek for our eternal companion. I found the major theme of this book to be that “as we search for personal purpose, the gospel is the solution to our problems and not the cause of our sorrows (p. 21).”

How The Book Is Organized 

Sister Oaks divided the book up into 4 sections: The Single Dilemna, Social Life, Everday Living and Religious Life and Church Experience. Each section focuses on many of the issues that LDS Singles face as they serve, worship and grow within the gospel plan. Through the course of the book, Sister Oaks provides sound advice on dealing with dating, holidays (particularly those that are traditionally family centered), patriarchal blessings that seem unfulfilled (or destroyed by agency), church attendance and callings.

In the Single Dilemna includes chapters called My Single Years, The Worth of a Single Soul and Single Switch Points. In these chapters Sister Oaks tells of her experiences as a single sister in the church, examines how we can come to terms with our worth as a daughter or son of god and the choices we can make to enhance our experience as disciples of Christ and in his Church. She invites us to turn ourselves over to the Lord whole heartedly to allow Him to make of us and our lives what He can. “Our goal” she says, “is to enter into successful eternal relationships. To do so requires more than just completing a wish list of what we desire in a mate. It requires that we become a person of virtue ourselves (p. 69).”

As we search for personal purpose, the gospel is the solution to our problems and not the cause of our sorrows. (p. 21)

In the Part entitled Social Life, the Sister Oaks explores being single during the holidays and dating. The chapter on dating (A Single Date) is well worth the price of the book. It is interesting to note that not long after Sister and Elder Oaks were married, Elder Oaks began giving counsel regarding dating, courtship and marriage. Obviously these were issues and topics that had recently been on his mind and part of his life. And while prophetic words stand on their own, it was nice to read the account Sister Oaks shares of their experiences dating, courting and marrying; if for no other reason than to gain from the perspective that Elder Oaks lived recently the counsel that he gave in those addresses. In the chapter on dating, Sister Oaks addresses the importance of dating, expands on her husband’s advice about hanging out, provides insight into whom we should date, talks about internet dating, and highlights how we can better develop our social skills.

The Everyday Living portion of the book examines the need to develop spiritual self reliance, to be willing to accept life on the Lord’s terms, to make the most of life that we’re given and to stay true to the divinity inherent in each of us as children of a loving Heavenly Father. Some of my favorite quotes from this section include: “If you wish to prepare for life with another person, in the world or the next, you need to prepare now and believe in yourself (p. 123);” “Time is a precious commodity. Make your moments count, first by making an effort to stay close to the Spirit so that you can function at your best; second, by planning and setting goals for a more balanced life; third, by cultivating an eternal perspective; and fourth, by spending time with other people (p. 151);” and finally “There are talents and contributions only you can make. Dig deep into yourself to discover what they are. Pray and fast to find out. The Lord may inspire you to write a book, a song or a movie. You may be given an idea to begin a business or start a preschool. Each of us has a dream. Our Patriarchal Blessings and revelations from our Heavenly Father can forever change the course of our lives. God is not limited by our education or lack of it. He’s not limited by what we have or do not have. If we believe, God can assist us towards our righteous goals. (p. 172)”

The focus of the final section of the book, Religious Life and Church Experience, is being a fully active participant in the gospel and the church regardless of marital status. Sister Oaks provides valuable reminders, powerful examples and a heartfelt invitation for each of us to develop a deep and abiding personal relationship with the Savior.

Should You Read This Book?

If you are LDS and single (and perhaps if you counsel LDS singles) and are troubled, discouraged, seeking understanding, or wanting to just be a better you, then this book is for you. The insights will help young singles plan a little bit better for whatever the future might hold for them and will give a needed “kick-in-the-pants” course correction to those of us who are further along in this mortal journey. One caveat, if you are looking for validation for your bleakout look and poor attitude for being single, you won’t find in this tome.

If you are seeking validation for a bleak outlook or poor attitude for being single, you won’t find it in this tome.

Having said that, the only issue that I really had with this book revolves around who Sister Oaks addresses her remarks to and the fact that the author regularly changed her audience and frequently left me out (seeing as how I’m a divorced male in the church). In the introduction Sister Oaks says the book is for “those who are currently making their life’s journey alone” and about halfway through the book she readopts the language of “women and men”–however throughout the book and especially as you approach the final pages, it seems clear that she was writing specifically to the women of the church; and more particularly older sisters who have never had the chance for marriage. (There is even a chapter entitled “A Single-Minded Woman”, but parity does not exist for the brethren.) I admit that it is understandable given that the author draws primarily from her own experiences and those of her friends. I, however, was unwilling to let this issue distract me from the lessons taught and the principles examined.

Ready to read A Single Voice: The Unexpected Life Is No Less a Life by Kristen Oaks?  Then, click here to get your copy.

Remember:  We’re LDS! We’re single! And, we’re all in this together!

PS: I finished this book with a renewed sense of worth and purpose, despite my marital status and 12 pages of notes on my yellow pad that I kept handy. Maybe I just have more to work on!